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Currently in blogging constipation mode, so what better topic to talk about than shit? Copied from here.

Which have you the fortune of not experiencing? Have not experienced nos. 2, 6, 7, 8, 15, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 27, and 28.

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you’ve, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family…

1. Ghost Shit
You know you’ve shit. There’s shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

2. Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

3. Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass…

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Being in your twenties..

Being in your twenties… It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you’re doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad person.

You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You begin to think a companion for life is better than a hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

We call it the “Quarter-life Crisis”.

Act of Valor

The following is a n excerpt from one of my favorite movies in recent times.. the letter chief writes to his unborn son… it captured a lot under a few words. here it is…Enjoy…

Before my father died, he said the worst thing about growing old was that other men stop seeing you as dangerous. I’ve always remembered that – how being dangerous was sacred, a badge of honor. You live your life by a code, an ethos. Every man does. It’s your shoreline. It’s what guides you home, and trust me, you’re always trying to get home. Your father was a reader – Churchill, of course, but also Faulkner and books about Tecumseh. He loved artists who painted people with bodies that looked like boxes. I’d give him hell about that. He just say you gotta look harder. “Look harder,” your father would say. I always knew he wasn’t just talking about those boxy abstract paintings. There’s threats everywhere in a world that’s draped in camouflage. Your father’s grandfather gave up his life flying a B-24 in World War 2. He kept the Liberator aloft just long enough for everyone to jump and then he went down with the plane. That’s the blood coursing in your veins…

Your father was a good man. Growing up without him is going be hard. It’s going to hurt. You’ll feel alone, out to sea with no shore in sight. You’ll wonder “Why me?” “Why him?” Remember, you have warrior’s blood in your veins. The code that made your father who he was is the same code that’ll make you a man he would admire, respect. Put your pain in a box. Lock it down. Like those people in the paintings your father liked, we are men made up of boxes: chambers of loss, triumph, of hurt and hope and love. No one is stronger or more dangerous than a man who can harness his emotions, his past. Use it as fuel, as ammunition, as ink to write the most important letter of your life. Before your father died he asked me to give you this poem by Tecumseh. I told him I’d fold it into a paper airplane, and in a way I guess that’s what I’m doing – sailing it from him to you.

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.

Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and

demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life,

beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a

friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all

people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy

of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only

in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones

to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are

filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep

and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.

Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

Chief Tecumseh (Poem from Act of Valor)

A Letter to My Son

Dear Me(Jnr.),
You haven’t been born yet, and at this point in your life you can’t read, much less understand what I’m going to try to tell you in this letter. But I’ve been thinking a lot about the life that you have ahead of you, about my life so far as I reflect on what I’ve learned, and about my role as a dad in trying to prepare you for the trials that you will face in the coming years.
You won’t be able to understand this letter today, but someday, when you’re ready, I hope you will find some wisdom and value in what I share with you.
You are young, and life has yet to take its toll on you, to throw disappointments and heartaches and loneliness and struggles and pain into your path. You have not been worn down yet by long hours of thankless work, by the slings and arrows of everyday life.
For this, be thankful. You are at a wonderful stage of life. You have many wonderful stages of life still to come, but they are not without their costs and perils.
I hope to help you along your path by sharing some of the best of what I’ve learned. As with any advice, take it with a grain of salt. What works for me might not work for you.
Life Can Be Cruel
There will be people in your life who won’t be very nice. They’ll tease you because you’re different, or for no good reason. They might try to bully you or hurt you.
There’s not much you can do about these people except to learn to deal with them, and learn to choose friends who are kind to you, who actually care about you, who make you feel good about yourself. When you find friends like this, hold on to them, treasure them, spend time with them, be kind to them, love them.
There will be times when you are met with disappointment instead of success. Life won’t always turn out the way you want. This is just another thing you’ll have to learn to deal with. But instead of letting these things get you down, push on. Accept disappointment and learn to persevere, to pursue your dreams despite pitfalls. Learn to turn negatives into positives, and you’ll do much better in life.
You will also face heartbreak and abandonment by those you love. I hope you don’t have to face this too much, but it happens. Again, not much you can do but to heal, and to move on with your life. Let these pains become stepping stones to better things in life, and learn to use them to make you stronger.
But Be Open to Life Anyway
Yes, you’ll find cruelty and suffering in your journey through life … but don’t let that close you to new things. Don’t retreat from life, don’t hide or wall yourself off. Be open to new things, new experiences, new people.
You might get your heart broken 10 times, but find the most wonderful woman the 11th time. If you shut yourself off from love, you’ll miss out on that woman, and the happiest times of your life.
You might get teased and bullied and hurt by people you meet … and then after meeting dozens of jerks, find a true friend. If you close yourself off to new people, and don’t open your heart to them, you’ll avoid pain … but also lose out on meeting some incredible people, who will be there during the toughest times of your life and create some of the best times of your life.
You will fail many times but if you allow that to stop you from trying, you will miss out on the amazing feeling of success once you reach new heights with your accomplishments. Failure is a stepping stone to success.
Life Isn’t a Competition
You will meet many people who will try to outdo you, in school, in college, at work. They’ll try to have nicer cars, bigger houses, nicer clothes, cooler gadgets. To them, life is a competition — they have to do better than their peers to be happy.
Here’s a secret: life isn’t a competition. It’s a journey. If you spend that journey always trying to impress others, to outdo others, you’re wasting your journey. Instead, learn to enjoy the journey. Make it a journey of happiness, of constant learning, of continual improvement, of love.
Don’t worry about having a nicer car or house or anything material, or even a better-paying job. None of that matters a whit, and none of it will make you happier. You’ll acquire these things and then only want more. Instead, learn to be satisfied with having enough — and then use the time you would have wasted trying to earn money to buy those things … use that time doing things you love.
Find your passion, and pursue it doggedly. Don’t settle for a job that pays the bills. Life is too short to waste on a job you hate.Find your passion,even if it is butterfly farming,and do it.
Love Should Be Your Rule
If there’s a single word you should live your life by, it should be this: Love. It might sound corny, I know … but trust me, there’s no better rule in life.
Some live by the rule of success. Their lives are stressful, unhappy and shallow.
Others live by the rule of selfishness — putting their needs above those of others. They live lonely lives, and are also unhappy.
In your life others will live by the rule of righteousness — trying to show the right path, and admonishing anyone who doesn’t live by that path. They are concerned with others, but in a negative way, and in the end will only have their own righteousness to live with, and that’s a horrible companion.
Live your life by the rule of love. Love your wife, your children, your parents, your friends, with all of your heart. Give to them what they need, and show them not cruelty nor disapproval nor coldness nor disappointment, but only love. Open your soul to them.
Love not only your loved ones, but your neighbors … your coworkers … strangers … your brothers and sisters in humanity. Offer anyone you meet a smile, a kind word, a kind gesture, a helping hand.
Love not only neighbors and strangers … but your enemy. The person who is cruelest to you, who has been unkind to you … love him. He is a tortured soul, and most in need of your love.
And most of all, love yourself. While others may criticize you, learn not to be so hard on yourself, to think that you’re ugly or dumb or unworthy of love … but to think instead that you are a wonderful human being, worthy of happiness and love … and learn to love yourself for who you are.

I am pretty sure you’ll be more handsome than me,you’ll get hit on by tonnes of women-make friends and do them,have a Twitter,Facebook or Faceboob account,social sites will be your thing.Don’t love the women of your time too much,drink in moderation if you have to,pray and believe in God-He is The only answer to all your problems,read the Bible,watch porn once in a while and masturbate if you must-just don’t get addicted,watch Titanic and cry,go to school and learn.Read books,learn foreign languages,don’t let people tell you what you can or can’t do.I’m hoping they’ll have found a cure for HIV AIDS by then,just in case they won’t-always carry a packet of condoms with you,stay away from drugs,hookers and City Council askaris.Watch wrestling,and if I find you watching any soap opera I’ll beat the living daylights out of you.Oh,and get a sense of humor.
Finally, know that I love you and always will. You are starting out on a weird, scary, daunting, but ultimately incredibly wonderful journey, and I will always be there for you when I can.
Your Dad

A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out—ENOUGH! fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your Awakening!!!!!!!!

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and in the real world there aren’t always Fairy Tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact you are not perfect and not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the things you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh, what you should wear, and where you should shop, and what you should drive, how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn it is truly in giving that we receive. And there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix. You learn principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn just as people grow and change so it is with love…and you learn you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms…just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely…And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.”

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK….and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with her or his touch…and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve…and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn anything worth achieving is worth working for and wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time—FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn no one is punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state—the ego.

You learn negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with faith by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Reblogged from Nyanchwani

If she dances with everyone in your presence, she will be screwed by anyone in your absence.
Nothing brings stupidity in humanity than dancing. It precedes sex and supersedes politics in the stupidity meter. On this one, my conscience is very clear. Absolutely clear. Dancing is for fools, was invented by fools and only fools embrace it.

Picture a woman without hips or an ass trying to dance, all sweaty and smelly on a dance floor. Now picture those really stupid, potbellied men, trying to readjust their groin to the bottom of a woman for the grind, or socket dancing as it is called. Look at those Jamaican video clips. Listen to people shout when a Beenie Man song is unleashed. If what you witness here is not stupidity, you clearly need a small meeting with a psychiatrist. Book it.

I must set it off from the word go, I can’t dance to save my life. I only dance when completely coerced. I consider myself too cool for that shit. And I am virulently judgmental observing women shaking their asses and men drooling from behind, ever so ready to undress them and have sex there and there, but for civility. Cool people like me, always distance themselves from the dance floor.

“But how will you ever court a woman if you don’t how to dance?” asked my lecturer Mr Kimingichi Wabende a few years ago, while we were on some research mission down the South Coast.

Kimingichi, a great dancer himself, and a good one at Salsa, offered some insightful opinion and for the Salsa dancers, they can get a pass here. I have actually suffered great for my inability to dance. I have lost three the dance floor, because  of my disability.  And they danced away with strangers in the club. Some of those strangers looked really bad. The kind that can brag while screwing, ‘YOU SCREWING WITH THE BEST’. Some looked uglier than me. Some were broke on some cheap faded jeans and a T-Shirt that looked like a moper. But they won.


Ever since it has made me skeptical when I am courting someone who drinks and likes dancing. Hate me or love me, a woman who drinks and has no qualms dancing with a stranger in a club, is a pass for me. Especially, if it a long-term thing. Short-term is OK.  Men in Nairobi have become such predatory opportunists and as soon as they take to the dance floor, you will see him make certain moves and she will be all smiles, from I guess, feeling the D, hot on her ass. I can’t rust men in Nairobi.

The next thing you see is them whispering to each other, mostly phone numbers. Or if audacious enough, they can exchange numbers there, but watching their backs. I have obtained numbers right under the noses of stupid men who don’t attend to their women in a club. What happens afterwards is not necessary.

But this is not about me and my inability to jig along to some beats. Neither is it about my insecurities that naturally stem from the fact that I have lost girlfriends in the dance floor. It is not even the dancing that hurts, it is the fact that they were high on drinks paid by MY OWN money. It is a ghost I have yearned to exorcise for four years now.

Generally, I don’t object anyone dancing, certainly not my girlfriends as long as it is done within the decency limits. But to most individuals in Nairobi, dancing and decency are metals somewhere in the periodic table. I have never quite understood the female obsession of rubbing their ass on the male groins. Naturally, it is the default setting of dancing in Nairobi, that women enjoy more than men.

97% of the men on the dance floor only want quick access to a lay. 77% of Chips Fungas are courted on the dance floor. 70% of women who can dance on the floor with strangers when drunk are susceptible to end on a bed other their own that particular night.

I think you cannot divorce the Nairobian club dancing from cheap, quick sex. In fact if you are hunkish enough, with liquid cash and a ride and you stay in any of the city suburbs, you are good to go. I have seen my friends dance and kiss strangers like every damn weekend I go out. I have seen some really nasty and dirtier dancing, especially on the wee hours of the night.

I hate men and women who dance vigorously and sexually. It brings the animal in them. It reminds me of evils such as the barbaric 2007 post-election violence. And I am not even playing hyperbole here.

Dancing is stupid. Just stop for a minute to ponder to ask yourself what you are doing when you are shaking your body. Why do we need so much alcohol in order to loosen up her? Would you like your picture or video while dancing to be put in the newspaper or on the internet? Imagine your sweaty self, and ask yourself, is this why Jesus died? if you are believer. Can mum and dad be proud of me doing this? Remember 6 million Jews died within six years, did it happen so that you can make erotic and drunken moves on the dance floor for the sole purpose of a danceorgasm.

What drives people to dance is sex. Period. Very few people are disciplined enough to balance their drinking, their dancing and at least end up in the same bed they woke up in the morning (that is if it was their rightful bed in the first place.) But I would be sexist and chauvinist if I draw conclusions, but I am sure I am not too far from the truth.

For men, I can speak for the straight ones. The main reason they take to the dance floor is to get some ass job done, right there. When we were younger, my friends routinely confessed that if you meet a good dancer on the floor, they can make you cum. What debauchery? I mean you dance holding her from behind; she probably has nothing under (65% of the time), she rubs her ass on you so hard. You get a boner, she grinds harder to feel it. Definitely she is enjoying, and the man is getting dirty as well. Then it is time for RDX’s Bend Over and all hell breaks loose… They both orgasm, just like that. She will go sit, sip her drink, if it is still there and start asking herself what life is about and what just happened. But the DJ wouldn’t let her finish…Because the will play Konshens or that other bugger with a bleached skin and she will jump back.

Only one woman has ever impressed me, when I took her out. It was an Easter date, and for long I was afraid of her, I actually respected her. I gathered guts and summoned her. I was glad, she never turned me down. We went out and she danced like lady, sensibly. My wily and cheeky cousin Patrick, who can shame Usher with moves, was not very lucky. They danced decently and every time he tried some mischief, she shooed him away. And only insisted that if it is not me, she can’t dance ‘indecently’. She couldn’t get down without me. That evening, I was so happy, I saved a street kid’s life.

See, the kid came to me, and told me… ‘Daddy, saidia.’

I asked the kid, ‘If I gave you Ksh 1,000, what would you do?’ The kid said, ‘I would be so happy, I will die of laughter’ OK, you know where this stolen joke is going…Right? I didn’t give the kid the money, because we don’t want people dying senselessly. Just kidding.

Until some sanity and decency comes to the dance floor. Until they stop that annoying socket-dancing. Until rubbing one’s ass on the man’s groin stops as the standard measure of dancing. Until women stop dancing randomly with strangers (that does nothing to nation building by the way). Until they stop exchanging numbers on the dance floor, I will always remain cynical about dancing.

Dancing is one of those things that we invented to allow us to interact with our stupid selves. Look at those old women and randy men, dancing in circles during weddings. Look at those old, bald, potbellied men in the locals dancing to Nimon Toki Lala and Mbilia Bel with Guinness in their hands targeting the waitress. It just sucks. And it is stupidity. Let us not pretend.
Call a spade a spade.

If I have sounded too judgmental, it is my opinion. The fact that I am right should not stop you from dancing. You will be stupid in my own eyes. But you don’t need my approval for you to be be stupid. Or do you?

Radio love

J’Mani ft Collo & Lyra Aoko

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